Sunday, October 11, 2015

Worriment: Like Merriment, except crappy.


I haven’t sent out a transmission in a little while, so I figured I’d do so today and bring everyone up to speed. Which, at the moment, is glacial. Yes, we’re hurtling toward the date where the books will be mailed out at the speed of an elderly person writing a check in line at the grocery store. The wind screams through our hair and our cheeks are making that gross, wet slapping noise because the air is forcing itself into our mouths like a bad junior high kiss. I think I can see time bending around us, such is the rate of acceleration.

Which is to say, not much has changed since I last checked in.

I’ve been making boxes. So many boxes. And let me tell you: When it comes to exciting subjects to put into an update, boxes are pretty hard to beat. Yup…boxes. More or less identical brown cardboard boxes being assembled at a steady rate. That’s…uh…


Sorry, I fell asleep on the keyboard while I was typing that. Where was I?

Oh, yeah. The state of things.

Have I mentioned I’m a world-class worrier? Well, I am.

I’m a serviceable cook. I can juggle competently. I’m a good illustrator. But worrying is where I really shine. I worry about things that have already happened. I worry about things that are currently happening. I worry about things that haven’t happened yet. You might say I’m….tense.

But my specialty these days is worrying about things over which I have absolutely no control. I like the worry to begin as an idle thought and then blossom into a sweaty, futile exercise in anxious, repetitive thoughts and twitchy circular logic.

Fortunately, the process of getting physical copies of “Saturday” to all of you provides plenty of opportunities to do just that. I’m currently working on the following worries:

-The books won’t be printed on time.
-The books will be damaged on their way to me.
-The books will be lost on their way to me.
-The books will arrive when I’m not here and something will happen to them.
-I’ll screw up the shipping labels and they won’t make it to you.
-The books will be damaged on their way to you.
-The books will be lost on their way to you.

I’m mostly focused on the very top worry at the moment. Here’s what it sounds like in my head:

Me: “Hmm…that’s weird: the advance copies of “Saturday” haven’t arrived yet and I haven’t heard anything from the printer.”

Worry: “Well, no one is saying something bad has happened and the books aren’t going to make it here on time.”

Me: “Uh, yeah. Someone is saying that. You’re saying that. You just said it and now it’s in my head.”

Worry: “I’m only saying it to show you that it’s so unlikely that no one is even bringing it up.”

Me: “You just brought it up. And now I can’t un-think it. So that was completely unhelpful and insane.”

Worry: “Well, no one is saying you have a mental illness.”

Fun times.

But here’s the good news: You don’t have to do anything! I’ll take care of all the worrying so you don’t have to. I’ll also keep you in the know about the schedule and what nots. All you have to do is wait. Which, I guess directly contradicts the thing I said at the beginning of this paragraph. But waiting is something you can do passively. You can do other things while you’re waiting and the waiting will still get done while you’re totally checked out. It’s like a file download. Or listening.

Wait, what?

Ok. If you have any questions about anything, I’ll be here. Just in my own head. Rocking back and forth gently and muttering.