Sunday, February 9, 2014

Apology Excepted

Hi there.

Welcome to this week's update of "Saturday" the book.

We're on page 14 this time around, which makes it Friday afternoon in the world of Fred, Elizabeth, and India McGreevy.  This afternoon finds Elizabeth McGreevy lamenting her week-long cold war with Fred, her husband.  Being a woman of action, Elizabeth decides to get a little something for Fred to make it up to him.  Or at least to get the ball rolling toward Make-It-Up-To-You-ville.

Of course, first she has to figure out what that little something will be:

A gift can say a lot of things:

-"You are an adequate business associate and I'm glad to see you (Amount of time) per week."
-"I'm sorry I set the (Fill in the blank) on fire."
-"I love you more than (Favorite Hostess snack cake), and I'm sorry I said otherwise."
-"Your (Cherished, well-used item) is disgusting.  Here's a new one."
-"I like you a lot and I'm going to try not to screw this up like my last (Double-digit Number) relationships."

Now, granted, I think it's usually best to say those things outright and have the gift be an accompaniment as opposed to a replacement.  But the things that we need to/want to/have to say to our loved ones...well, mostly they're not so easy to say.  So a gift can be a good ice breaker.

I can even give you some great advice on delivery and timing.  It's an art, really.  For instance, let's say it's an apology gift.

1.) Casually approach.  Make small talk.
2.) Smooth segue: "So, how would you feel if I accidentally (Insert mistake, catastrophe, or crime against humanity here)?"
3.) Gauge reaction.  Proceed according to instructions below:

3A.) Favorable: Give gift.  Thank recipient for being so understanding.
3B.) Poor: Frown apologetically, give gift, apologize and reassure of your ability to fix the (toilet, car, house, relationship with in-laws, Uzbeki-mafia, etc.)
3C.) DEFCON 1: Open gift as distraction.  Hopefully, your gift was either a smoke bomb or a pack of hyper caffeinated squirrels that will draw attention and aide in your escape.  Run.  Move to another dimension.  Change your name to Phil Phillipowski.

See?  It's that easy.

You're welcome.


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